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A Labor Day Speech For The Ages

Following is a text prepared for delivery on Labor Day by Republican American Tea Party U.S. Sen. Forrest Washington Flagg.

Good afternoon, my fellow patriots. Thank you for that 21-gun salute. Isn’t that music to our ears? Let’s give a big round of applause to our state militia honor guard.

I come to you this last day our nation will honor the proletariat working class but rather shift our worship to you, the hard-working individual freedom fighters of America. It is only fitting that this day, the first Monday in September, two thousand and thirteen, will henceforth be your day. I ask you. Doesn’t “Liberty Day” have a much more resounding ring to it? Thank you. Thank you ever so much. Ah, yes. We have broke the public and private unions for they were a burden that only drove our products too expensive to buy and their health and pension programs to economic ruin.

How does it feel to get the yolk of government off your backs? I thought so. Your taxes are lowered. Free markets have replaced the once heavy hand of governmental regulations. Socialism is crushed, once and for all. You, my friends, have paid the price and can stand proudly to proclaim your independent liberty and freedom as the framers of our great constitution intended.

Think of the advances we have achieved in just two short years. Yes, we shut down the federal government on two occasions. And, yes. We survived. So what if our national park system was closed for several weeks? So what if Social Security checks were suspended for one month? Those were just two sacrifices that changed the federal government as we knew it.

Today, the national parks are run by private industry. Your benefits from Social Security are exactly what you paid into it. Our health care system is totally operational by the private sector. Our financial system is run by those who know best who set their own rules and by competition become self-enforcing. Our borders are secure. Our military is the most powerful, awesome force ever witnessed by mankind. No one messes with good old Uncle Sam. Just ask those mullahs in Iran.

Need I remind you that our nation’s energy costs are lowered by good, old fashion competition no longer fettered by environmental laws and strict regulations — but by free market competition. Your taxes have been replaced by venture capitalists. That smoke stack you see is the result of jobs, jobs, jobs.

Look around you. There are no unemployed. There are no homeless. There are no illegal immigrants stealing your jobs. A very few might say well, sir, they are in prisons. I say they are being re-trained, re-tooled and re-indoctrinated so they emerge as productive, hard-working individuals like the framers of our constitution intended.

May I repeat. No one in America gets a free ride. We are breaking the spirit of those who became spoiled from the riches of unemployment compensation and lost all desire to work for an honest living. Those who cannot cut the muster are being well cared for by our charitable organizations — our churches, our philanthropic organizations voluntarily redistributing their wealth to the poor as Jesus Christ Our Lord intended.

May I remind you that our nation is Christian and Christian only as our founding fathers intended. We reject foreign faiths that are out to destroy us. We are right and they are wrong and evil because we have Jesus Christ Our Lord on our side. We have restored prayers in the classroom and the pledge of allegiance to the flag of the United States of America is mandatory.

Need I remind you that constitutional amendments are in the process of being passed — already by Congress — and working through the states for approval by the people themselves. This is an ambitious and admirable list. Among them as we all know, is same sex marriage, repeal of certain Satanic and Socialist clauses in the Fourth, Fourteenth and Seventeenth amendments and, of course, my favorite, the “Peoples Amendment” which establishes the removal of the Commerce Clause and restores states’ rights and unencumbered individual and corporate rights to finance all political campaigns.

Thank you. And God bless America.

We now return to our studios in New York.

At Fox News, Sean Hannity:

“Greatest speech I ever heard. I can now die and go to heaven.”

At CNN, Wolf Blitzer:

“A truly remarkable capsule of what has revolutionized American politics as we have known it the past two years. Stay tuned for after the break our panel of David Gergen, James Carville and Alex Castenado will explain what it all means.”

At MSNBC, Keith Olbermann:

“I swear on the graves of my mother and father that this nation has gone to Hell.”



Credit for this fictional exercise in the absurd comes directly from actual comments from Sharron Angle, Rand Paul, Joe Miller and a number of forgettable characters running for congressional and governor seats throughout the country. All I ask is be careful what you wish for. There are millions of folks who actually believe the scenario I have outlined. They are …

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